Not to mention, I haven’t even practiced my new signature. I spent YEARS of my life practicing the possible signature I would have if I married every boy I dated. I’m pretty sure that’s just what girls do. Well, maybe just the girls who are obsessed with names like I am (I’ve also maintained an ever-changing list of preferred baby names since I was probably 10). So now, 47 days before I actually WILL be changing my name, I still have no idea what my signature will look like. Most people say “Don’t worry, you don’t need to perfect it yet.” To that I say- “When you need to apply for a  new drivers license, visa and passport right away, you kind of do!”

Then there’s the wedding-related stress of planning for all the visitors that will be in CA for the wedding. I know it’s not my job to organize plans for everyone, but I’m a control freak and part of me can’t rest and relax until I know everyone’s schedule.

Did I mention that I can’t seem to get into that mode that nearly all brides get into right before their wedding? You know, the one where they start eating right and working out to help them look great on their wedding day?  I haven’t got there. Of course I do the normal exercise that I always do but I thought some magical motivation would set in by now where I’d feel the need to double my workouts. Yeah that motivation hasn’t really hit me yet.

I’m really trying to enjoy the wedding planning process… but life just seems to be getting in the way at the moment. I sure am looking forward to my bachelorette cruise and pre-wedding massage right about now.

Andrew and I are not the type of people that sit back and complain about the Post time and time again without acting on our anger. We like to call and complain and we do it a lot! Well really why wouldn’t we when the postal worker gives us sooooo many things to complain about?

Today I called and made I believe our 5th or 6th official complaint. I can’t be certain of the number for sure because I only started documenting them 4 complaints ago.

You see, our dick of a delivery man doesn’t like to deliver our packages. He likes to put a little blue card in our mail box and simply says we weren’t home. Well we all know that I work from home so this is just not possible. I am ALWAYS home when he puts those cards in the box. Sometimes he claims we must not hear the buzzer. If you’ve been to our place, you know that is impossible. It is LOUD. So this non-delivery problem used to happen ALL the time. Big packages, small… it didn’t matter. The douchebag just never bothered to do his job.

Back in December we had a bit of a breakthrough. We finally thought we complained enough to have some positive turnaround. We spoke to a customer service manager who stated that from now on if the driver attempted a delivery and we weren’t home, the driver was supposed to call this manager and let him know. The manager would then call me to confirm that I was not home. Well after this new protocol was set in place, everything changed. Any time a package came, there was a long and loud BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ BUUUUUUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ  BUUUUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ(remember… this guy is a DICK), at our door.

Well last week that all changed when another little blue card magically appeared in the box. We knew this was for three cases of wine and of course the fat slob doesn’t want to deliver 3 cases of wine. That means he’d actually have to carry the weight up two flights of stairs.

So we immediately called the previous customer service manager to report the problem. Unfortunately, his line that is written on the letter we received is no longer in service. So we resorted to the old methods of filing a regular complaint. Well after one week with no word, Andrew called again yesterday. The guy he spoke to assured us the packages would be re-delivered today.

So today there was a BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ at about 9:45 am. It’s the delivery prick asking if I’d be home in an hour for him to deliver my packages. Was he hoping I’d say no? Was he hoping he’d get out of doing his job again? Unfortunately for him I said yes and then he stated, ok make it an hour an a half. Over TWO hours later he finally comes back.

When he huffs and puffs up with all the boxes he says to me “You weren’t home when I tried to deliver before.”

ASDLKJNCWOEIRFNCOAWIERJAWERKNWAEIFJSEFNWIEHJR!!!!!

IS HE KIDDING ME???

Oh I did not handle that comment well. I told him I was home, as I ALWAYS am when he doesn’t deliver our packages. He actually told me that he put a note on our file stating that if I don’t answer the buzzer the first time that he never has to redeliver a package again. I reminded him of the protocol that he was supposed to follow where he needed to call the manager if we weren’t home. He basically denied that was ever the case (even though I SWEAR it worked for awhile) and just kept shaking his head no and saying “nope.”

I “kindly” told him that everyone we know has this problem with them so it’s not just us.

His response? “No, no, it’s just you guys. You weren’t home,  I won’t redeliver again.”

I can’t tell you how fuming I was. I just yelled “whatever” to him as he huffed and puffed down the stairs. I really wanted to kick him in his face. Seriously… WHY couldn’t Andrew have been home when the jerk came? Andrew is a lot meaner than I am… I would have loved to see what he would say to that guy!

So today… the Australian Post received another nice little complaint from me. This time it was against the driver personally. I stated that he was rude and I don’t feel comfortable being alone in the house when he delivers the package because he’s always a jerk. I don’t need a response from them, I just want every little detail documented so that hopefully one day he will lose his job. I simply cannot understand how someone can NOT lose their job after THAT many complaints. I can tell you right now that if I was as lazy as him and if our customers had that many complaints about me- I would not still be employed. How is it possible that he still is entitled to earn an income?

I REALLY want to order another case of wine now so he can refuse to deliver it and I can call and complain again. It’s almost a source of entertainment now.

 Here is another kudu, more specifically-  his leg, dead and braised and slathered in sauce and sitting on Mitchell’s plate.

Here Mr. kudu is entering  Mitchell’s belly.

The kudu is famous! EVERYONE wants a neanderthal photo op with the poor butchered animal.

What did I think about the most ginormous leg of meat EVER? Well, take a guess.

 Seriously… GROSSEST THING EVER!

Our rooms were right on the reserve and animals (lions) sometimes wander around between the rooms and the restaurant so we actually had to have an armed escort back to our room to keep us safe at night. Andrew loved it!

In our bathroom there was a bucket near the shower. The guy who took us to the room let us know that we should use that bucket to save water while we’re waiting for the shower to heat up. There was also a little card near the sink letting us know that Namibia is one of the driest countries in the world, so please conserve water. We got the point… dry country, need to save water.

Then it rained for two days.

Then the animals went into hiding.

Our safari sucked. We arrived on a Wednesday hoping to get in an evening game drive but we were too late. That’s ok, we had all day Thursday and Friday morning to see animals too. But then we woke up Thursday and it was wet. We still tried to go on a drive and we did see a few rhino, but for the most part we just were cold and miserable as the wind and rain pelted our bodies in the open top Safari vehicle. Our guide ended up turning back after an hour. Luckily it dried up that day and we were able to go out again in the afternoon to try to find more animals. We did see a few- but not many. Of the big 5 (lions, elephants, leopards, buffalo and rhino) we only saw a few rhino and 1 lion. Andrew thinks the lion didn’t even count since we saw it in the glow of floodlights drinking from the the man-made watering hole near the lodge. Friday morning was hopeless as well. It had rained even more Thursday night and so there was no point in even bothering with a drive. Instead of driving for animals we drove back to Windhoek to meet up with the rest of the group.

We’ve vowed to go back to Africa in the next 3-4 years to do a proper safari. Here are a just few of the best pictures we took:

One of the biggest struggles I face working from home is that I have not had the chance to make many friends of my own here. I do have several great friends that I really enjoy spending time with but in all honesty, part of me has always struggled to get too close to some of them since many are ex-pats who will probably move away at some point . It’s hard to completely open up to someone who you know won’t be around for long. So, I’d say a vast majority of my time is spent with Andrew’s friends. I’d love to meet some more people on my own but I do like Andrew’s friends and I get on really well with some of their girlfriends. I’ve enjoyed getting closer to a few of them as the years have gone by.

I always knew that most of my American friends would end up leaving one day; but in the last few months, even our Aussie friends have started to trek off to new places around the world. It all started with Stu and Kimbo,  who we miss terribly. They had to go and move all the way to South Africa for Pete’s sake! I guess that’s ok though because it just means we get to go visit them this Saturday (yay) and they will be back later this year.   But then others started leaving too. First it was Andrew’s friend Wes… then his Brother Ben decided he was going to move to London for an undetermined length of time. Then last week I got home from California to find out that one of Andrew’s closest friends, Kris (and subsequently his girlfriend Tess, who has become one of my good friends) have decided to pack up and head to Hong Kong. UGH!

I left all my friends and family back in Orange County and now everyone is leaving me. Ok, I realize people are not leaving ME but it still makes me sad, nonetheless.

Can you all please stop moving away now?

Thanks.

My trip to the US was great. I got SO much accomplished for the wedding and now there’s not much more I can do until August. That’s exciting and sad at the same time. The lower stress levels are beneficial, but the fun of planning will be missed. I suppose there are still a few things I can do from Australia, but a majority of it will all come in the last few weeks. Only 6 months to go now!!

My trip to Georgia was awesome as well. I had so much fun spending the weekend in beautiful Roswell with all my friends. It’s rare that we all get together now that we live in 4 different places, so it seems that weddings are the only things that ever bring us all together.

Amanda’s wedding was beautiful! The Clermont lounge was not beautiful. Let me paint a picture for you. The Clermont lounge is where a group of 16 or so of us went on Thursday night. Try to visualize this…a small dive bar, horrible rock band, thick layers of smoke (seriously, get with the times Georgia, why can you still smoke indoors?) and to top it all off… 60 year old strippers! WHAT? Yes, you read that right. There was a complete assortment of strippers from a super skinny tatooed girl to significantly overweight middle-aged girls wearing heinous outfits to a cute little old lady wearing a little red riding hood costume. Weirdest place I’ve ever been. The rest of the weekend was far less weird. The rehearsal cocktail party and wedding were full of much more taste and class (and less smoke), thank GOD!

The only thing that really sucks is that there must have been some funk going around in Atlanta because Shannon, Jen, Alison and I all caught a nasty bug. I haven’t been this sick since well before I met Andrew. I never get sick anymore and I honestly feel like I don’t even know how to respond to this. I feel like the biggest wuss. Will someone please send an un-packing fairy to take care of my luggage that has made it’s home on our living room floor?

I hate you. I really do. You make me so tired. You cause me to sleep through my alarm for over 10 minutes. TEN!! While this may not seem a lot to some people, let it be known that in an entire year, my alarm only goes off probably 10 times total! I always wake up before my alarm goes off, so to sleep through it for over TEN MINUTES is just not right. You cause me to wake up with a massive migraine and hangover feeling even though I only had 2 glasses of wine last night. Two glasses of wine plus jet lag = feeling like I drank 2 bottles of wine. NOT NICE!

Dear US Economy,

I hate you too. I thought I was immune to your black pit of misery and despair- but no, you finagled your nasty tenticles into my life as well and you’ve put a big damper on all my plans for 2010.

Dear Vaccination,

You made me feel like I had a migraine in my arm for about 36 hours. That was a week ago. Now, thanks to you, my arm is STILL sore. It’s not terrible, but enough to piss me off.

Dear Stupid OC Housewives,

Ok of course I’m not talking to all OC housewives- there are definitely many of you I like. I’m just speaking to the pathetic, fake, backstabbing trashbags. You are all scum. People like you often make me happy that I don’t live in this yuppy, stuck-up county anymore.

Dear Bob at Sir Speedy Printing,

You sent all your customers an email today asking “how is your 2010 so far?” Do you REALLY want me to answer that question? I know you just want some business- but what if I reply to your sales pitch email and just say “shitty.” I wonder what you would say to that.

Dear Andrew,

I miss you.

Yes, I am having a bad day.

Andrew told me about you two while I was away. First to you Mr. Man neighbor- Andrew mentioned that everyone in the apartment could hear you beating your girlfriend. Evidently people heard the thuds and your poor girl was screaming and crying. Neighbors were yelling at you through the windows telling you they could hear you beating her and you still didn’t stop. Luckily some people had enough sense to call the cops. Clearly you are a douchebag.

When I returned last Saturday and heard what sounded like some serious sex occuring in the late afternoon, I actually thought I was hearing our other neighbors. But this sex did not sound like the sex that we usually can hear. You guys sounded REALLY into it. At least you did Ms. Lady neighbor. Yes, it partially did sound like you were being beat up- but when I heard “YEAH, YEAH” I figured you just like it rough. When I went into the bathroom again, I could hear you crying. Why oh why were you crying? Maybe you were just playing along out of fear because your creep boyfriend would beat you up again if you don’t fulfil his sleazy desires. I have never even met you but already I can see that you two have some SERIOUS issues.

I’m not sure what went on in the following 40 minutes but when Andrew and I returned from picking up dinner and a movie, your drunk trash boyfriend was on the ground being handcuffed by 5 cops.

While I do enjoy interesting neighbors, I don’t enjoy guys who beat up and possibly rape their girlfriends and wives. No one in the building wants to hear that. Someone needs to head to rehab and/or jail and someone else needs some major counseling. Good luck to you both.

P.S. I do like your Christmas stockings that you’ve hung in the window.

Did I mention that they don’t take credit cards? You probably knew that already, but seeing as how I haven’t been there in over 8 years, I just kind of assumed they would be a “modern” organization and take plastic. Do they realize how many poor people come through that place? Some people wouldn’t be able to pay the $28 license fee if they couldn’t use a credit card. (Yes Aussies, you heard that right, $28 for a 4 year license).They take personal checks (which surely bounce ALL the time) but they won’t take credit cards. Idiots. Unfortunately for me, my debit card is back in Australia with Andrew and so I’ve been living off cash and credit while I’ve been in CA. I had $23 bucks in my wallet when I got in line. I needed $28. I tried using my Australian debit card… that didn’t work. She politely said “You can run to the bank and just come back straight to me.”- Yes! That is EXACTLY what I feel like doing. Going to the bank to get out $5 measly bucks so I can come back to this hell hole and pay for my new license from a state that I don’t even live in. Some might say “why bother?” Well, unfortunately some eating and drinking establishments (i.e. restaurants and bars) don’t accept foreign ID and as I’m about to explain, some banks don’t either!

So since I was $5 short, I had to go wait for the bank to open at 9am in order to get cash out. I had to sit there for 25 minutes to get $5. How fun!They didn’t know what to do with my Aussie license, I didn’t bring my passport because I didn’t plan on having to make a trip to the bank that morning and when I showed them my US ID, they couldn’t accept it because it is expired. Duh, that’s why I need the money in the first place! Such a pain in the ass!! Finally I got the cash but seriously, not having my atm/debit card really made things difficult.

With all that said I probably would have been out of there in 15 minutes if I didn’t have to leave, walk to my car, wait at the bank, get money, drive back, park, and wait again to talk to the same lady. Making an appointment REALLY speeds things up. I felt really bad for the other 150 people waiting their turn. I hope they packed their lunches.

 My hand caught on fire.

Yeah I didn’t spill something on a brand new dress or slip on a puddle causing my shoe to break or anything like that. I literally caught on fire. Note to self: After spilling methylated spirits on your hand while trying to fill a fondue pot burner, make sure to use soap to wash it off. Evidently when you simply wash it with water and then go to re-light the burner, a fireball will erupt burning your hand, the table and anything else surrounding the fondue pot.  Then you will have MORE bad luck and the brie won’t even melt properly and the fondue will be a disaster and look like a disgusting clumpy mess (although it will still taste alright).

Luckily I was able allow my hand to sit under cold running water for about 10 minutes and then I put ice on for another 15. I really think it helped because it’s just red now and I haven’t had any blister pop, unlike the burn on my arm from 2 weeks ago… yes, another burn… which left blisters and a scar.

What is with me and fire and burning body parts lately? 

Even with all the fire drama the night was still really fun! Everyone looked very suave and sexy… see:

There was tons of great finger food and loads of alcohol and fruit so everyone spent the night frequenting the blender to create fancy, tropical concoctions to sip on… or gulp down.

And oh what an awesome view we had:

Such a fun night, even if I did almost burn my hand off! Thanks to Alex, Kristin and Brendan for hosting a great party. And a special thanks to Brendan and whoever else helped put out the fire on the table while I was trying to put out the flames on my hand!

Today I went for a nice long walk/jog… 7.4km or 4.6 miles to be precise. I was feeling good. It was sunny (maybe a little too hot) but great in the shade near the water. Whenever I go for these long walks and I get to the farthest point, I always regret my decision a little. I think… “hmmm- maybe I should have turned around a bit earlier.” But today I kept going all the way to the end, I was proud of myself for not giving up. (p.s. 4.6 miles might not seem like a LONG way… but this walk involves lots of hills… I hate hills).

On my way back up the quiet road (near the X) I smelled smoke. I looked to my right and immediately saw a bunch of smoke coming from a big pile of ash in the bush (that’s Australian for brush).

So…I actually climbed up the tiny little hill dodging branches, spiderwebs, flies and all sorts of other creatures to see if I could stomp out the fire. I can’t believe I risked seeing lizards, snakes and spiders all to check out a tiny fire! Well there were no flames, just immense heat and smoke. I tried stomping on the smoldering ground but it did nothing to calm it. Since I was super sweaty by this point I started getting attacked by all sorts of flying insects so I quickly but carefully maneuvered my way back down through the branches to the road. I didn’t have my phone so I stood wondering what I should do.  I decided to wait a few minutes to see if any cars would pass. About 2 minutes later, some bikers were riding by and I flagged them down and asked if they could call 000 (that’s Australian for 911). The men explained that the fire brigade were out in the area doing a back burn so it was probably just from that; HOWEVER, that was about 2 weeks ago, it shouldn’t really STILL be smoldering and all it would take to start a bigger fire would be a bit of wind. So he called. Might I mention that this is the SECOND time since moving to Australia that I/we have called 000 after spotting a random bushfire on the side of the road!

The man explained to the operator where the fire was and then the guys said thanks and rode off. I wondered if I should wait for the firemen. I decided they would pass me on my way back up the road and I knew it would be pretty easy to explain to them where it was if I should see them.

I then walked for another 15-20 minutes until finally I was HOME! I was hot and sweaty but feeling great about my good deed and for pushing myself to keep going on my walk when I really just wanted to turn around and go home.

Soo… back to this whole karma thing. You would THINK after doing good things for the world that I would be rewarded… or at least not PUNISHED. But no…what did I get for all my work? A massive headache. I figured I just needed some water so I gulped down tons and took a shower. Usually this is when I feel much better but no, not today. The headache just keeps getting worse and worse.  At dinner I got a massive stomach ache after eating. This is the 2nd massive stomach ache Ive gotten immediately after dinner  in the last 5 days. WTF? And FINALLY to top it all off-  I get in the car, plug the itrip into my ipod, turn it on and BAM! ipod is broken. The screen is shot. It still plays music but I have no way to actually see and/or select what I am trying to play. Seriously, I’ve heard the phrase “karma’s a bitch” before, but that’s supposed to be directed towards people who do bad things… not good!

The last time Andrew and I  spotted  a fire on the side of the road and called 000 we got tickets for not wearing helmets on our bikes. Granted we got the tickets BEFORE we saw the fire, but still!! I swear- next time I see a fire that needs to be put out I’m just going to leave it. Let it burn because with my luck if I call 000 again I may just get mugged or get swine flu or something.

*Edited to correct details… it was actually a peacock we saw roaming the streets, not an ostrich. My bad.

Fold-able/roll-up flip-flops. Why is this a good idea you ask? Because after wearing high heels for hours all night, all you want to do is put on some flats for the walk to the car, to the house, or to the next bar. I am one of those girls that carries my dirty flip-flop/thongs in my purse. Luckily I have a big purse which allows me to do this because my thongs aren’t tiny enough to fit in a small bag. But if they folded up into a small portable thong version, then they could fit in any bag… or even a coat pocket.

This was such a good idea. A good idea that I had first.

Maybe you don’t believe that I had this idea first. Well here is proof…

The guys (yes GUYS) that created these thongs thought of the idea a year ago.

“Former lawyer Ben Lipschitz, 25 stumbled on the idea for a pair of fold-up thongs on a night out a year ago when his girlfriend at the time was left sore and tired after a night in stilettos.”  The Daily Telegraph

A year ago.

Well, A YEAR AND A HALF ago I blogged about my invention idea here (and let me point out, I had been thinking about this much earlier than this post):

I guess I can’t bee too annoyed though. It’s my fault and my fault alone that I didn’t act on my brilliant idea when I had the chance. Andrew used to tell me I should look into it, Jen wanted to help and even came up with a cute name, but it was just so overwhelming! Where do you even start to try to figure out how to get a prototype made, how to pay for the prototype… surely I would have needed investor backing… and then how do you get that??  The list goes on and on. I just had NO idea where to start.I went as far as researching patents as you can see in my post above but that was where my research ended.

Now someone else will get rich. Someone else will say they invented something cool and they will always be known as the guys who created the awesome portable flip-flops. That could have been me. That might have been my one and only chance to invent something really cool and I blew it.

And no… I will not post a link to the site that sells the shoes. I just don’t think I’m ready to provide free advertising to someone who is going to capitalize on my brilliant idea.

Over an hour later, we settled on buying one of those horse on a stick things. You know, the ones that kids “ride” around on that make the galloping noises? Yeah, one of those. Why? you ask…What happened to your beachy theme gift? you ask…

I’ll tell you what happened… the crappy Australian children’s clothing selection is what happened! And now I will share my experience with you all.

1. First we went to Big W. This is where I had the inspiration for the gift when I found the little bucket and spade. I thought it was a great idea and should be fairly simple! So we headed to the children’s clothing section to look for a suit and after searching for ages we found 1… count that…  ONE bathing suit for a child under 5 years old. ONE! It was hideous.

2. Next we stopped at Pumpkin Patch and found the cutest bathing suite for a 2 year old. SWEET! I thought we had scored in the 2nd shop. This was too easy! But then I had a look at the price tag- nearly $40! No thanks.

3. Next was some other kid store- another CRAP selection of swim suits. We had to hunt and search and finally ask someone where we could find the suits. There were about 2 choices (literally), both heinous! In the U.S. there are whole bathing suit sections in kid stores. OH GOD how I miss Old Navy and U.S. quality Target!

4. Finally we headed to Target – SURELY Target has something right? I thought I had hit the jackpot when I spotted a bathing suit section in the distance. YAY a whole section! This is what I’ve been looking for. I see 3 suits from afar that look decent. I get excited. Oooh a cute little red suit with white polka dots! Woohoo it would even match the red bucket I bought. I grabbed it off the rack with excitement, turned it around and sighed and groaned audibly. Dorthy the freaking dinosaur! WHY oh WHY must people ruin perfectly good children’s clothing by slapping on a big giant ugly cartoon character??? Turns out all the other ones I saw from a distance also were tainted. Dora the Explorer and the Wiggles had to go and ruin them all.

So there we were…Andrew was sick of shopping and I was feeling very homesick… that’s how we ended up buying the horse on a stick (which was the gift idea we had from the beginning anyways)…

When we have kids one day in the far and distant future- please don’t buy anything with Winne the Pooh, The Wiggles, Dora, Elmo, or any of that other crap. I don’t want to have to pretend to like it all and then hide it in the back of the closet only to  pull it out and put it on our child for an hour when you come to visit. Kids have a right to be stylish too!

TSUNAMI WARNING NUMBER 3 FOR PARTS OF NEW SOUTH WALES
Issued by the Joint Australian Tsunami Warning Centre [JATWC] at
09:25 PM EST on Wednesday 15 July 2009

For latest and further information call 1300 TSUNAMI [1300 878 6264] or visit
www.bom.gov.au

**********************************

In the words of Michael Doig…

I don’t like goodbyes. I’ve had WAY too many of them in my lifetime (well,  really in the last 3.5 years), but I guess that’s what happens when you are in a long distance relationship forever and then move all the way across the world.