Elsja Down Under

Theyyyy’re Baaaack May 21, 2010

The 3am wake up calls have returned. It’s been awhile since we experienced one of these- but my poor immune system the last few days has caused me to toss and turn all night so last night I had the fortunate opportunity of being awake during the little occurrence. You know… maybe I should give my immune system some credit. This noise just might have been the reason I woke up in the first place at 2:40am.

What am I talking about?

HERE is a reminder.

Nothing like getting woken up by a banging bed and moaning, grunting man at 3am. Ahh the joys of apartment living.

Dear Neighbors, Part 3 December 12, 2009

Dear new neighbors,

Andrew told me about you two while I was away. First to you Mr. Man neighbor- Andrew mentioned that everyone in the apartment could hear you beating your girlfriend. Evidently people heard the thuds and your poor girl was screaming and crying. Neighbors were yelling at you through the windows telling you they could hear you beating her and you still didn’t stop. Luckily some people had enough sense to call the cops. Clearly you are a douchebag.

When I returned last Saturday and heard what sounded like some serious sex occuring in the late afternoon, I actually thought I was hearing our other neighbors. But this sex did not sound like the sex that we usually can hear. You guys sounded REALLY into it. At least you did Ms. Lady neighbor. Yes, it partially did sound like you were being beat up- but when I heard “YEAH, YEAH” I figured you just like it rough. When I went into the bathroom again, I could hear you crying. Why oh why were you crying? Maybe you were just playing along out of fear because your creep boyfriend would beat you up again if you don’t fulfil his sleazy desires. I have never even met you but already I can see that you two have some SERIOUS issues.

I’m not sure what went on in the following 40 minutes but when Andrew and I returned from picking up dinner and a movie, your drunk trash boyfriend was on the ground being handcuffed by 5 cops.

While I do enjoy interesting neighbors, I don’t enjoy guys who beat up and possibly rape their girlfriends and wives. No one in the building wants to hear that. Someone needs to head to rehab and/or jail and someone else needs some major counseling. Good luck to you both.

P.S. I do like your Christmas stockings that you’ve hung in the window.

Wicked Witch of the Building November 2, 2009

Ok so I promised a story about the neighbor whorebag. Well here it is…

Andrew and I have lived here 2 years. In the 2 years, we’ve never ever had a late night noise complaint. I do specify late night because there was one time when we first moved in that I was on an elliptical machine that was making a horrible clunking noise and our downstairs neighbor kindly came up and mentioned that it was a bit loud. That was totally fair and we made sure to keep it down. That was 2 years ago. Since then, not one complaint… ever!

On the flipside, we’ve definitely had OUR fair share of issues with loud/annoying neighbors. Here are just a few I wrote about…

Sex neighbors

Foreign neighbors

But have we complained? No. Did we call and yell at these people? No. We don’t complain because it’s not a regular occurrence. If it were, we might be ruder.

So imagine how annoyed I am when someone actually calls me to complain on a Friday night at 10:40pm. This lady has serious issues!! There were 5 girls in my apartment playing a board game. Not even a loud game, just a simple game. We were laughing and chatting but that’s it. No screaming, no banging, nothing.

The intercom buzzes. WHO on earth could it be at 10:40? So I answer and this is what I hear (paraphrased):

Slutface (in a snotty, snotty tone): “You guys REALLY need to keep it down, you’re really loud and you’re bothering the ENTIRE apartment building.”

Me: “Oh I’m so sorry, I’ll close the balcony door.”

Whorebag (in a troll voice): “Yeah… and keep it down”

Me: “Yeah ok, I’ll close the door” (that was my attempt at passive aggression by reiterating that the only thing I was going to do was close the door. Andrew thought this was TOTALLY weak and  he would have told her off right then and there. )

WTF??? It was 10:40 on a Friday!! Now, while I TOTALLY respect that some people DO have to sleep at 10:40 on a Friday, I hardly think we were keeping the ENTIRE building awake. I also fail to understand why she couldn’t just say “hey guys, sorry to bother you but you guys are really loud- would you mind keeping it down?”

UGH I hate this evil witch and I would LOVE to know who she is so I could give her really dirty looks.

Dear Neighbors, Part 2 May 20, 2009

Dear Neighbors,

No… not you two… I’m talking to the ones upstairs who speak in some language I cannot decipher. I am really getting sick of your late night chats on the balcony. Seriously, I don’t hear you at all during the day or evening but for some reason you must go on to your balcony EVERY single night after 11:00 pm to have your daily 15 minute foreign chat. Oh and I REALLY don’t appreciate the random 1:00 am sessions. Those seriously suck.

It frustrates me that I can’t even eavesdrop and be nosey since I can’t understand you. Where the hell are you from anyways?? It frustrates me even MORE that you keep me awake at night. Don’t you need to sleep too?

Andrew was going to write you a letter once. Even though he USUALLY falls asleep before you start yacking, he really felt bad for me being kept up every night. But I stopped him from putting the note under your door one night at 3am because I didn’t think it was very nice. Here’s what it said in big black sharpie marker:

“SHUT THE F*%K UP”

I thought there must be a nicer way to go about asking you to be quiet, but considering I’ve lived here for over a year and a half and I still don’t think I’ve ever really seen your face, I  don’t exactly feel comfortable approaching you. So instead I just lie there each night waiting patiently for your 15 minutes of annoying chatter to end.

SO since I am afraid of confrontation, I’m REALLY happy that I now get to write this second letter to our OTHER neighbors. I thought I’d run it by you first. Let me know what you think…

-E

*********

Dear Other Mystery Neighbor,

You are wonderful.

When my boyfriend wanted to write a mean note to the yackies upstairs, I stopped him because I didn’t think it was very nice to use the F word. Well, clearly, that’s just something Australians do- or maybe just people in this apartment block. I remember on Halloween one guy in the block yelled “Oi F*%K off kids!!”  to some little teenage punks. That was pretty funny. Maybe that was your husband.

I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate what you did for all of us last night. I could hear you yelling “shut up!” numerous times. I just laid there smiling, comforted knowing that someone else had been feeling my pain all these nights. I always thought I may be the only one who was going crazy from their conversations. But the gabbers upstairs just didn’t hear you. I don’t know why because I certainly heard you, even with my window closed. So I found it thoroughly amusing when you finally screamed in your shrill, angry voice:

“SHUUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUPPPPP. You F*%King talk out there EVERY NIGHT!”

Well, I think they finally got the hint because they did shut up and they went inside.

I truly think your message got through to them. Maybe using the F word really is the only way to get things done around these parts! Hopefully tonight we will all sleep a little easier!

Thanks again for taking care of the situation (and thanks to my BF who attempted to take care of the situation 2 weeks ago even though I intercepted his note and threw it in the trash bin).

-E

Dear Neighbors March 22, 2009

Dear Neighbors,

Yes, I’m talking to the two of you who like to have loud, raunchy sex at night. I realize that your identities still remain a mystery- yet I still feel compelled to write to you.

I am very happy for you, I truly am. It sounds like you have a happy and active sex life. Congrats.

I do appreciate that you have limited yourselves to sex before midnight. Thanks for that! For awhile, the 3am wakeup calls we were getting from you guys were a bit annoying. You are quite loud you know… I even posted once before on my blog about how we always can hear your headboard banging against the wall when you get into the act. That’s fine. Sometimes we can hear you moaning… gross, but good for you! But last night, I had to pee right around the time that you were enjoying yourselves and I was shocked when I realized how loud you truly are. I’ve never had the pleasure of hearing you from the bathroom before, but let me tell you… that’s a whole different experience all together. Let me put it this way- you REALLY should shut your windows.

Do you realize that your moaning and screaming echoes throughout the entire garage area? It bounces off all the walls and shoots straight into the windows of the other apartments. And do you realize that EVERY single apartment in this building surrounds the garage? This means that a vast majority of the units on this side can DEFINITELY hear you? Do you realize that even above the sounds of the rain and the sounds of some other guy coughing up his lungs while showering in a neighboring bathroom, I could still hear you loudest of all?

Do you realize that if I don’t know who you are (I still assume you are the people above me but I just can’t be 100% sure) then OTHER people might not know who you are either? We at least have the advantage of hearing your headboard to help us decipher that you are either above us or next to us. But other people who hear your escapades through the windows surrounding the garage… they just don’t know. In fact, they have no clue if you are on the top floor, middle floor or bottom. All they can hear are your hoots and hollers. I must point out- no one else in this buiding is as loud as you are. You guys take the cake!

Do you know why this bothers me? Because you live too close to us. Personally, I don’t want there to be any chance that one of our neighbors might mistakenly think that those noises are coming from OUR apartment!! Seriously… how embarrassing would that be?

So while your shenanigans do give us quite a laugh from time to time, can you please just tone it down or shut a window? It would be greatly appreciated!

Thank you for your time.

Again?? Really?? July 29, 2007

Long but funny.

Many of you know the story of my creepy neighbor that hits on me at the gym. Well, for those of you who don’t- I have this creepy neighbor, probably mid 30s who hits on me at the gym. HAHA, ok so… today- it happened again.

The thing about my neighbor is that he doesn’t even know he’s my neighbor. Oh well no biggy there, not everyone knows their neighbors… but he’s lived around the corner the whole time I’ve lived here… and thats going on 20 years!

First instance – He hit on me last year right around Christmas time (2005). Came and told me how he couldn’t just walk by without saying hi to such a pretty girl… blah blah… I was clearly annoyed, but trying to be polite as i worked out. He stuck around for about 5 minutes which is a long time when you just want to work out and not talk to people. I kept trying to look up at the TV for him to get the hint and leave, but it took forever for that to happen. He asked if I wanted to hang out and this was before I had a boyfriend but I pulled some other bullshit excuse out of my ass on why I wasn’t interested. I was 25 at the time. I even told him that I was his neighbor (which I later realized was stupid because he could potentially come bug me) and he still didn’t recognize me. I told my dad when I got home and he explained that the guy had some mental problems or a brain injury or something… ok that explains the creepyness. You wouldnt know he was mentally challenged per se, but you can definitely tell he’s a little strange.

So instance number two… a few months later. This time I do have a boyfriend, so when I see him lurking around my area and finally creeping up to my machine, I was ready and prepared with the boyfriend ammo on the tip of my tounge. I think “what could he possibly say now? Is he going to try to convince me AGAIN to go out with him?” He starts off with the same schpeel… “I could’t walk by without saying hi because you’re just so pretty… blah blah.”

WHAT??? This guy seriously doesn’t remember saying that exact thing to me a few months earlier?? Clearly my dad was right- this guy isn’t all there. After a few minutes of him blabbing I explained that he had talked to me before. He all of a sudden acted like he remembered and said “ooohh… I remember you- let me guess- you have a boyfriend and you are 26.”

Yes and Yes… however the last time he talked to me, I was single and 25.

The woman next to me was really entertained by this guy because he was telling me that it’s good my boyfriend isn’t around right now because he doesn’t trust himself around pretty girls and some bullshit that made no sense but made him sound completely psycho. Me and the eliptical lady next to me just kinda kept looking at each other thinking… “is he for real?” Finally, he left.

The last few months, I have secretly enjoyed many moments at the gym where I witness poor unsuspecting girls get hit on by this guy. Seriously, it’s happened a lot and I’ve decided he has a thing for blondes, because they are always blondes. I always give a little chuckle and think… aww another girl has experienced my pain.

Well so today, I’m on the stair machine and out of the corner of my eye- I see him coming. OOOOH NO. there is no one else around so I just KNEW he was coming for me. I get my ipod and start messing with it to pretend I am just way too busy to talk. It didn’t help. He just walked up and stood there and eventually I had to acknowledge him.

Again, same intro from him. I kinda cut him off and just cut straight to the point… “you’ve talked to me before you know.” Then he explains that it must mean I’m even THAT much more beautiful for him to come up to me TWO times!

Um, try THREE buddy! He clearly doesn’t remember that I’m his neighbor, thank God. I’ll never mention that again! Then he started explaining how not everyone has what I have (yeah except for the 50 other girls per day that you annoy at the gym) and that I am so natural looking and have no body fat.

HAHA! Now i KNOW there is something wrong with his brain.

The best part is when he said “well, since I’ve talked to you before (elsja comment: and NOTHING has come out of it) that must mean you have a boyfriend or you are married.

I just said “yes” and then thought… the statement he just made makes it sound as if he thinks the only reason I wouldn’t date him is because I had a boyfriend. Hmm… a bit cocky if you ask me.

Anyways, I would be way more bitchy to this guy if I didn’t have the inside scoop on his head injury or whatever- I always want to be mean, but then I feel guilty because I don’t know for a fact what his deal is… but seriously- I wonder how many other girls he’s hounded multiple times without even realizing.

I wonder how long it will be before it happens again?